Lupin III: The Great Zapfish Heist
by DoctorWario
Summary: In the wake of an upcoming Splatfest, the people of Inkopolis are shocked when a mysterious calling card appears, detailing the intentions of a certain legendary thief.
1. The Master Thief Stakes His Claim

"Pearlie, ready to start the news broadcast?" asked Marina as she fiddled with her turntable. Pearl chugged the remainder of her ginger ale within mere seconds and crushed the can against her cranium, unleashing a vapid belch in response.

It was Tuesday morning in Inkopolis, and the news team was prepping their first show of the day. Reports of stage rotations and new weapons at Ammo Knights were set to be unveiled; alongside this, much of the staff was anticipating an upcoming Splatfest announcement. This Tuesday was looking to be quite eventful.

Pearl cracked open yet another ginger ale and sucked it the fuck down while the cameramen began their countdown. Her addiction was becoming increasingly prevalent recently, but pretty much everyone was too afraid of her to speak up. So incessant was her chugging that roughly a third of it spilled all over herself, with absolutely no time to do something about it.

"Okay girls, we're live in 3… 2… oh god _damn_ it… 1…"

"Y'all know what time it is!" Pearl squeaked, waving her wet fingers to and fro.

"It's Off the Hook, coming at you LIVE from Inkopolis Square…" Marina murmured as tiny flecks of ginger ale were lobbed directly into her eyes.

The news broadcast mostly unfolded as planned. Blackbelly Skatepark and Piranha Pit were in the rotation for Turf War, a new Slosher was revealed, and word of an upcoming Splatfest indeed descended from on high.

"Which is the better substance to step on? Dirt or sand?" Pearl gurgled as her hazy eyes glanced over at Marina. "I hate sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Team Dirt for life, squiddos! I don'tgive a damn _or_ a shit, shove it all down my throat!" she screeched, much to the chagrin of her friend and lover Marina.

"Pearlie no, you can't say- wait a sec, what?" the Octoling inquired with a gasp as a member of the staff whispered something in her ear. After a brief exchange, they handed Marina a small envelope and darted off-screen. Inquisitively, she undid its seal and removed its contents: a pressed rose and a hand-written calling card.

"...Before the end of the upcoming Splatfest, the Great Zapfish will be mine…"

Pearl's eyebrows raised substantially as Marina revealed the card's sender.

"...Lupin the Third."


	2. A Dastardly Discussion

"The Great Zapfish, eh Lupin? That's pretty ballsy if ya ask me," muttered Jigen. A lit cigarette dangled from his mouth as he wiped the barrel of his Splattershot with a rag. The cocky thief merely smirked in reply, snatching his Galactic Seanwich from the coffee table and taking a massive bite.

The thief in question, Lupin III, was the grandson of the great Arsene Lupin. Having served during the first Great Turf War as a spy behind enemy lines, Arsene Lupin dabbled in thievery whenever he had the chance. Undoubtedly, his grandson had inherited this thieving skill and then some; the man was notorious throughout Inkopolis for his innumerable burglaries and heists. A diabolical master of cunning and deceit, Lupin III always got what he wanted.

"Damn right it's ballsy. Can you think of a bigger score than the Zapfish? The entire city relies on that thing for power; with it in our hands, we would have the ultimate bargaining chip," Lupin purred, taking a glance at his dark blue hair in a nearby mirror. It was flush with his head, without a single tentacle to be seen.

"Uh huh. Not the most original idea, though. The Octarians are always after that thing, and so far, they've managed to get it back each time it's been stolen. What would make this heist any different?" Jigen pondered with fingers on his beard.

Jigen Daisuke was a notable Turf War professional, typically touting his trusty Splattershot or a E-Liter 4K Scope to get the job done. His Splattershot was a unique piece, crafted with a lightweight build and the destructive power of a Blaster; unknown to many, the best weapons were found in darker venues than Ammo Knights. With those days now behind him in his older age, Jigen hopped on the theft train with Lupin in search of his next thrill.

"What makes it different? Easy. This one's being helmed by Lupin the Third," Lupin replied in a bold fashion, reclining in his chair and kicking his Roasted Brogues off. With narrowed eyebrows, he took a quick glance at his wristwatch. "Have you heard from Goemon yet? He was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago…"

With that, the aforementioned samurai descended onto the balcony of their high-rise hideaway and gazed in at them through the glass doors.

"My apologies. A bothersome group of Octoling girls kept trying to get a photo with me…"

Goemon Ishikawa XIII, a figure relatively unknown across Inkopolis and for good reason, always carried around a deadly Inkbrush as he traversed the shadows. Living life with no clear purpose, he sometimes did vigilante work at night or assisted Lupin in his schemes. The man was not to be messed with; rumors stated that he could splat anyone with one mere swipe of his brush.

"Look at this guy, just can't keep 'em away!" Jigen piped up with a grin, holstering his Splattershot after a quick spin on his finger.

"Enough. I am here now, so tell me what it is we'll be doing. If I am to believe the gossip floating around Inkopolis, are we going after the Great Zapfish?" Goemon inquired.

"Bingo!" Lupin fired back with finger guns a-blazin'. "We'll spirit it away someplace no one can find it, make a deal with the city to get a sizable sum in exchange for its safe return, then run off into the night with our pockets bulging! Like stealing candy from a Jelly…"

"And you're waiting til' the night of the Splatfest to make sure all the squid kids are busy while we nab the thing out from under their noses," Jigen added, impressed with Lupin's plan so far. "Heh, better hope they don't sic Agent 4 on us. That New Squidbeak Splatoon is a force to be reckoned with, especially when it comes to the Zapfish."

"Nothing we can't handle, I'm sure. Trust me, I've made all the necessary precautions," Lupin chimed in with a cheeky grin. "Now then, boys… let's hunker down and discuss the plan."

As Jigen and Goemon gathered around the table littered with Lupin's planning documents, the thief took a sip of some whiskey on the rocks and looked up at the two, amused.

"So, just out of curiosity… you guys Team Dirt or Team Sand?"


	3. Zenigata's Unexpected Visitor

As the following Wednesday came about, most of the chatter going on in Inkopolis Square revolved around Lupin and his devious intentions. Inquisitive young Inklings inquired about the thief with their older friends; in turn, they were regaled with stories of Lupin's hijinks, mainly told with an air of wary admiration. One particular group of squid kids loitering around Crusty Sean's food truck managed to get the prawn's attention with their thief-related chatter. With his eyes narrowed, he leaned down from his counter and joined in.

"You guys ever hear about the time Lupin hijacked the Crust Bucket?" Sean asked, his crusty head propped up by a spindly arm.

"W-What? No way! For real?" shouted a green-haired Inkling girl, clutching her Swim Speed Apple drink with disbelief plastered all over her face. "What happened?!"

"I was packing everything up for the night, just about to lock up n' head home to watch some Rainmaker matches… then these two guys tear ass out from by the subway, right toward my truck!" the shrimp told with gusto. "I couldn't tell it was Lupin until they were right in my face, him n' his pal with the wicked Splattershot. He says to me, "Sorry big guy, no time for introductions!" and shoves me aside, then they both got in the truck n' drove off into the metropolitan district before I could even say a word! Buncha cop cars went barrelin' after them right after, guess they were bein' chased for cod knows what. Lucky for me though, I found the Crust Bucket right back in place the next day; guess they returned it once they were in the clear. Still though, the nerve o' some people…"

The crowd of Inklings giggled at Sean's misfortune as an uninterested individual sauntered past them, making her way toward the nearby Inkopolis Police Department. A flyer was in her hand, stating in big letters: IMMEDIATE HIRE FOR SPLATFEST SECURITY NEEDED, BONUS PAY INCLUDED. ASK FOR ZENIGATA AT POLICE HQ.

She was an older Octoling girl with short purple tentacles tied back in a pony; the gleam in her eyes told anyone who looked that she was of the no-nonsense variety. After a few more blocks, she eventually found herself at the bronze double doors of the police headquarters, and a few more steps inside brought her to the office of Inspector Zenigata. Having been poring over documents upon documents regarding Lupin's potential whereabouts for hours on end, he was currently in the middle of a much-needed power nap at his desk. His hat covered the majority of his face as he leaned back in his chair, his feet propped next to a mug of black coffee. His visitor didn't care that much about letting him rest, however. Without so much as a knock on his door, she waltzed in and whapped a hand down on his desk, making her presence known.

"Inspector, I'd like to join your task force to defend the Great Zapfish from Lupin!"

Zenigata awoke with a start, jumping in his chair and knocking the steaming mug of coffee to the ground. A spatter of brown seeped into the carpet beneath his desk as he instinctively brandished his N-ZAP '85, aiming its barrel directly at the brash Octoling's face.

"W-What? Who let you in here? You can't just waltz in here and sneak up on an officer of the law like this! Pulling stuff like that can get you killed, ya know!" he barked, giving her a quick ocular pat-down before swiftly re-holstering his preferred side piece. Regardless of her entrance, her reason for being there was enough to make him pause for consideration. "So, you think you can stand strong against Lupin, eh? That takes guts. What's your name?"

"Laguna," she replied with a hand on her hip. "I've had an eye on Lupin for quite a while now, keeping track of all his escapades with the gunman and the samurai. They intrigue me. And more than anything, they annoy me. Always evading arrest at each turn, no matter how much the law tries. It can't be that hard to snag a moron like Lupin. I bet I can do it."

The inspector gawked at her show of bravado; more than anyone, Zenigata knew the frustration of not being able to arrest Lupin the Third. Time and time again, the master of trickery had dodged the inspector's pursuit of justice, and it kept him up at night more often than not. She thought she could bring in Lupin? Well, where was the harm in letting her try? If anything, giving it a shot would bring her to the realization that it just wasn't that simple.

"Is that so? Well then… I, Inspector Zenigata of the Inkopolis Central Police Organization (or ICPO for short), hereby authorize your assistance with nabbing Lupin. After you've gone through a proper background check, of course," he stated with a smirk. "Come back here with your paperwork, then we'll set you up with our intel once you've been cleared. Understood?"

"Understood," replied Laguna. "You won't be disappointed, Inspector. When I set my mind on something, I get it done. Not only done, but incredibly so. Need proof? Here."

With that, the Octoling turned on her heels and started toward the door, flicking an identification card onto Zenigata's desk behind her. As she left his office, the inspector snatched it up and found his eyebrows raised just a tad higher than he expected them to go.

"Well I'll be damned… Rank X all across the board. Even in Clam Blitz…" he muttered, stowing the card away in his pocket. With a start, he heaved himself out of his chair and stood by the window of his office, lighting a cigarette for a quick puff. "Better watch yourself, Lupin. The true winner of this Splatfest just might be the law…"


	4. Black Coffee and Golden Eggs

"Somebody come quick, there's a Steel Eel on my tail and it doesn't look friendly!"

The aforementioned Steel Eel certainly wasn't friendly; one could even make the assumption that it was in fact the opposite of friendly. Its metallic maw was mere inches away from nipping its prey in the bum as various other Salmonids terrorized the squad of Inklings working on the Ruins of Ark Polaris. The second wave was underway, and for whatever reason, the Salmonids were especially voracious that evening. Two Inklings carrying Golden Eggs swam toward the egg basket with adrenaline-fueled pep in their step, narrowly dodging the sniper blasts of two Stingers to deposit their bounty. Their vision impaired by horribly dense fog, they were starting to honestly wonder if this work was worth the money.

It was a close call, but the squad managed to meet their egg quota just before the wave came to an end. As the Salmonids retreated to the murky depths and the Inklings regrouped at the spawn point, a gruff voice tore through the air via some nearby loud-speakers.

"Come to papa, little eggs… NOW BRING ME MORE!"

This voice, of course, belonged to Mr. Grizz, the head of Grizzco Industries. Well-known by the people of Inkopolis but rarely seen, he supervised the acquisition of Golden Eggs from Salmonid migration grounds. Was it entirely ethical to steal eggs out from under the noses of these creatures on their own turf? This wasn't something Mr. Grizz regularly considered. His top priority was to hoard as many Golden Eggs as possible, like a miserly dragon guarding its pile of gems and doubloons. What were the eggs used for? Once again, no one knew for certain. Common knowledge simply dictated that they were exceptionally valuable.

The small bear statue residing in the Inkopolis Square office was what many considered to be the public face of Mr. Grizz, but in reality, he used it to divert attention from his real identity. In an office stationed in downtown Inkopolis, the real deal Mr. Grizz sat at a desk watching several surveillance monitors that displayed his employees' activity. His fists balled up on his armrests, he watched them work with a furrowed brow.

"They're doing pretty well, aren't they? Almost seventy eggs in the bag…" cooed a feminine voice from the doorway. "And there's still plenty of time left in the wave…"

"Mm, won't mean anything if they all wipe out. The Salmonids are real miffed tonight." Glancing over his shoulder, he sniffed at the air pensively. "Brought me some coffee, Fujiko?"

"Your favorite, Mr. Grizz. Black as night with a dollop of honey stirred inside," she gently confirmed, setting the coffee down on his desk with care. A polite smile adorned her face. With a brief nod and a grunt, he took the mug and held it to his lips for a taste.

"I gotta say, things have been a lot less stressful with you around, Fujiko. Bringing you on as an assistant was probably the best decision I've made in a while…" Mr. Grizz noted. With a reserved giggle, she moved closer to him and affectionately rubbed the nape of his neck. Fujiko's essence was that of a decisively mature beauty; although her business-formal outfit may have been considered conservative, her long orange "hair" resting on her shoulders and the conveniently open buttons at the top of her shirt suggested something more sultry.

"I'm always glad to help, Mr. Grizz…" she almost whispered, moving into a dedicated shoulder massage as he continued surveying his employees. "Say, where do all those eggs in the basket go at the end of the day anyway?"

"Hrm? The eggs?" he asked, shivering for a second as she continued to massage his overly-stiff shoulders. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason in particular. Just a woman's curiosity," she noted. "Your workers hoard so many of them day in and day out; it just makes me wonder sometimes." As she spoke, her gaze fell upon the surveillance monitors. On-screen, an Inkling worker managed to splat a Goldie, revealing several Golden Eggs. A glint of possessive intent flickered in her eyes.

"Well… I'm not too sure if that's something you need to know. It's delicate information, not something I tell people willy-nilly. Just my business partners really…" he replied. Upon hearing this, Fujiko squinted and decided it was time that she played her trump card. Pausing her massage with her hands still on his shoulders, she moseyed in front of him and bent over to face him at eye level.

"Aren't I one of your business partners? After all, I'm your own assistant…" she said, looking into his eyes with considerable fervor. Her cleavage was practically spilling out from her top in a manner most purposeful, now mere inches away from her boss's gaze. As Fujiko watched him struggle to maintain eye contact, she fought the urge to smirk ever so slightly.

"W-Well yeah, I suppose you are, aren't you? I-I… uhm…" Mr. Grizz sputtered, trying to form a coherent sentence. In the back of his mind, he knew that he probably shouldn't tell her where the eggs were kept. However, something entirely different was at the forefront of his mind in that moment, and he wanted it to continue by any means necessary. His tunnel vision was so focused that he didn't even notice his employees had all wiped out on the numerous screens behind Fujiko. "T-There's an abandoned warehouse near the eastern coast of Inkopolis…" he continued, holding his gaze on her chest for a comfortable amount of seconds.

Surprising even Fujiko, Mr. Grizz proceeded to spill the beans on not only the whereabouts of his Golden Egg hoard, but what they were being used for. The latter information wasn't entirely necessary, but she wasn't complaining. Her expectation that she'd need to put in a little more effort to break him had been rendered effectively moot. Not many people stood a chance against her infamous feminine wiles. Smiling, she stood upright and placed her hands on her hips. Mr. Grizz, who was now sweating bullets, fidgeted in his seat.

"So uh… d-do you maybe wanna grab some dinner… tonight? M-Maybe we could be more than partners-" he started, tugging at the collar of his shirt. Fujiko, her eyes half-lidded and her demeanor far from demure, fished a rag out from behind her and held it against his face.

"No, that's alright. Thanks for the intel, though…" she cooed. Before Mr. Grizz could even make sense of what was happening, the chloroform in the rag had him passed out in a matter of seconds. Proud of her job well done, Fujiko stowed the rag away and proceeded to strip away her business-formal attire, revealing a skin-tight leather jumpsuit underneath. "Poor guy. Probably needs to get out more…" she quietly mused to herself.

Making her way out of Mr. Grizz's office, Fujiko caught sight of a news broadcast on a TV in the corner of the room. Three reporters were discussing Lupin's recently discovered calling card, and his intentions to steal the Great Zapfish. A glint of possessive intent flickered in her eyes once again as a coy smile appeared on her face.

"My my, Lupin… aiming high lately, are we?" she said to no one in particular, giggling as she left the office in pursuit of her next big prize.


End file.
